Brown Skin Lady.



Friday, October 31, 2003

When I get married, I want my family and circle of friends to be so close that my friends look at my children as if they were their own children. And then I want my children to ask about my friends and lend a helping hand whenever they need help.

Like Connor will say, "Hey Andy. I need to install this satellite dish on my roof but I'm not like my former Division I pole-vaulting self because I'm fat from the time I spent in New York eating pizza and bagels. You think little Drew will climb up on the roof for me?"

Or Dave will say, "Hey Andy. It's bring your kid to work at the office today but since I'm 38 and still live for Keg parties on the beach and hit up 20 year olds with rockin bodies, I don't have any kids. Except for that illegitimate one I made in Thailand on a business trip. But that doesn't count because I had been drinking. You think I can borrow little Drew?"

Or Matt will say, "Hey Andy. I know your kids almost 18 and its about time he learns the facts of life before going off the college. Let me borrow little Drew for an afternoon to teach him the gentle art of nonchanlantly placing your left hand on a girl buttocks at the bar without her slapping you in the face. And after that lesson's done, there'll be another lesson on online gambling."

I'm saying this because I think family values are diminishing. Clinton had it right back in '92. His platform was based on health care and family values. Its just bad when I hear commercials on television encouraging parents to sit down with their children once a week for a family dinner. And it boggles me even more when I meet women at bars on a wednesday night and they say that their kids at home. And since their husband and child is asleep they say, "What else am I'm gonna do at this time of night." True story.

I don't know...maybe pack a lunch. Cuz you know she just gives the kid 5 bucks for the cafeteria at lunch and that's why we have overweight children in the US. What kind of mom are you anyway?


andycat stayed in the red at 4:15 PM


Thursday, October 30, 2003

This fascination for Gangsta Rap is getting out of control. 3 and to the 2 and 2 to and to the 1. Head away, sent away, get away, ACAT's got a gun. RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT! And I fade into the sun.

You know its always fun to be with your friend when he's about to make a major purchase for the benefit of all his friends. Like if you went to Best Buy and your boy was about to buy a 60" plasma screen TV so he can have a BBQ at his house and watch the game with all his friends. (Not like I actually know anyone who owns a plasma. But don't fret. One of these days after I save enough money from teaching and open up a Saturn dealership, I'll be rich and you all can come over when I throw my R. Kelly Video type parties. Hands in the air. Drinks every where. I forgot the name of that song but Fiesta's the jam. The R can really do know wrong. Musically not pedophilically. Is that a word?). I just bought a PS2 just so I can play Madden with all my friends and Bret was with me as I dropped 2 hundo on a PS2. Always fun to watch others spend money for communal entertainment. PS2's are really good for pre-party's. You know, when your waiting around for everybody to arrive so you can all leave to the club together and your passin the time puffin blunts, drankin tanqueray, and watching me run over DB's with Video Shockey.


andycat stayed in the red at 2:50 PM


Wednesday, October 29, 2003



Ever seen Natural Born Killers? Ever wonder what track would be blastin in the background when you're killing somebody?
I know mine -- Deep Cover.

Shape shift into Darth Vader/ pick up my pen and swing my light saber. Cuz you know Alter-Andycat has LMS (Little Man Syndrome). And he's looking for the fuckers that set him up in '96. It's time to put they ass in the mix. Welcome to Vietnam, California.

Splat to a motherfucker face, he fall.
Strong motherfucker cause he starts to crawl.
I guess I gots to load the glock again.
Hit 'im with the hollow points and watch him spin.

Time to go lift some weights.



andycat stayed in the red at 10:00 AM



Laker Haters, paging all Lakers Haters. I got something for you.



Whatcha got?


andycat stayed in the red at 2:26 AM


Monday, October 27, 2003

Quotacious Quotes from off the top.

"I'm happy I'm gonna get down with your typical IV girl before I leave this place" -- Max, talkin bout the breezy of the moment.

"So when are you gonna be back?" -- Max, asking Nohey what time he's was coming home from a girl's place on Friday night.

"Well if all goes well, not till later." -- Nohey's response.

"I'm mad she was walking around with her DAWGS hanging out." -- Max, on the typical IV girl's roommate frontin the fake rocks.

"I'll take a blowjob." -- Me, when the fake boobied girl offered a round of shots to everybody.

"Goofy white dude." -- Fake-boobied girl's date.

"Should we just go back and punk him?" -- Max, after the plan for me to get down with the fake-boobied girl was altered because the goofy white guy had beaten me to her.

"Enchilada?" -- Max, hospitably offering Mexican cuisine to me.

"What's the address? Is it the house with the Ice Cream Truck in the driveway?" -- Matt, pointing out certain landmarks of the Goleta 'hood.

"His parents use it to sell cowboy boots at the Swap Meet." -- Max, explaining Nohey's parent's Ice Cream Truck.

"You know you're in the ghetto when there's not even sidewalks. And people just walking around in the middle of the street." -- Max, on the familiar symptoms of a 'hood.

"It has syrup baked right in!" -- Matt, offering me a McGriddle.

"Look for the yellow dirt." -- Online directions to find the trailhead of a hike.

"I'm Asian. I don't burn." -- Me, on my refusal to wear sunblock.

"I'm Mexican." -- Nohey

"So what do you say? Shirts off? " -- Nohey, frontin the D-I track physique with Max.

"...Scared?" -- Nohey, clowning Max during the hike.

"This guy's always e-mailing self-portraits." -- Max, on Connor's self-portrait from a rooftop in Brooklyn.

"Hey Andy. It's my birthday." -- Matt, nonchanlantly mentioning his big 2-4.

"I'm starting to feel old. 24 is almost 30." -- Matt, on how it feels to turn 24.

"At least you can still round down to 20. Can't do that at 25." -- Me, using 4th grade math fundamentals of rounding to the nearest ten.


"Hey Max. It's Matt's Birthday." -- Me, offering the surprise revelation to Max.

"It's your Birthday?" -- Nohey, questioning the authenticity of Matt's revelation.

"What are you gonna with your hour?" -- Matt, asking me my plans for Daylight-savings.

"I don't know. Take a shot, maybe?" -- My uncertain plans for that hour saved.

"We're taking shots Andy?" -- Nohey, planning the course of Saturday night.

"You have to say something to the bartender. Be like your shirt." -- Max/ Nohey, telling me to live up to the statement on my shirt, 'HUSTLER'.

"So if I by you a shot, will you shoot it with me?" -- My note written on the napkin I handed to the bartender.

"Another bartender got in trouble for drinking behind the bar." -- Bartender's response.

"Can I call you sometime? (___) ___ - ____." -- My note written on the other side of the napkin.

"I have a boyfriend." -- Bartender's response.

"PART II. Whats your man gotta do with me? I can't really explain it, I'm so into you now." -- Max, giving me a note he had written and telling me to hand it to the bartender.

"You should ask the DJ to play some Roots." -- Matt, after hearing one to many Juvenile songs.

"That would just ruin my sloppy drunk mood. I'd would start thinking about how the search for self-equilibrium is never-ending." -- Me, on the consequences of a DJ set with songs from Nelly and the Roots.

"He's definitely copping a feel." -- Me, Nohey, and Max observing Matt at the bar at O'malleys with a girl sitting to his left.

"Tonight was a good time." -- Matt, summing up the evening on State Street.

"It was a good time for you and your left hand." -- Max, further adding description to the evening.

"If you don't remember anything Andy, at least remember that quote." -- Matt, offering me advice on quotacious quotes.

"That and, 'Everyone's got a little Nohey in them.' " -- Matt, reminding of another solid quote.

"FUCK YEAH DUDE!" -- Nohey.

Good Times....Good Times.


andycat stayed in the red at 1:18 AM


Friday, October 24, 2003

You know you live out of nowhere when there's a raging brush fire going on about 10 miles from where you live and the cops are driving up and down the street warning residents to prepare to evacuate. All the while, there's about 8 helicopters in the sky...CBS 2 News, KCAL 9, LAPD, helicopters dropping fire retardent, helicopters with giant buckets of water suspended beneath the cockpit. Yup, that's the happenings out here in the Land of Up. Truly vivid living I tell you. I thought it had snowed when I left work yesterday. Turns out it was ashes all over my car from the raging brush fire. I always knew I was gonna die tragically. Didn't know it was gonna be by means of burning to death. I'll tell GOD you all said hi.


andycat stayed in the red at 9:49 AM


Thursday, October 23, 2003

I want my statement of purpose to be so provocative that the admissions people who read my essay look at each other and go, DAAAAAAAAAAM! That shit was off the chain! Das some good shiiiiet! Call up homie right now. He's in. And then they call me and say, "Mr. Doan. Not only have you been accepted into our program, we want your permission to use your essay as an example for prospective applicants."

And then I say, "No. You cannot. Seriously, what the hell are you thinking? Do you never want people to apply to this program again? They'll look and my essay and go...DAYAM GINA! My essay has to compare to the genius of that muthafucka? Are you for real? What the hell you smoking? You must be out your cot dam mind!"


And then I rip my essay to shreds. And then light the shreds on fire. And then pee on the fire. And then put the fire out with my bare hand. And then mysteriously vanish while the smoke clears.

Now, that would be gangsta.


andycat stayed in the red at 12:22 AM


Wednesday, October 22, 2003

Look to the right of your screen. That dude has one big ol schnauzer. Yowzas.


andycat stayed in the red at 3:18 PM


Tuesday, October 21, 2003

I'm gonna start posting pictures. Starting with this one.



Pardon the reconstruction, I'm doing some experimenting.


andycat stayed in the red at 8:56 PM


Monday, October 20, 2003

Time for some....Random Thoughts. Mind is scrambling like Vick.

You know the RZA did the score for Kill Bill? That movie should win an Oscar for sound. Never heard a movie sound so crisp.

Speaking of which, I got a rockument.



The RZA is dope. The lyrics he spit, the only dope he slang. Cop the Birth of a Prince Album. Flow is somewhat unpolished and straight hypnotic. D-D-D-Digital. Ill.

"So who's gonna roll?"

"I can't round up any of my girls....so it'll probably be just me and you."

Homegirl is married with a kid. And lives 200 meters away from my work.

Even if she was fly, I still wouldn't wanna be that guy.

Like I said, I don't believe in divorce. No point in being the catalyst. Na Mean?

He's got enough game.
But its just that he can't relate,
To the Brown People.

Seven foot turkeys,
With their heads turned on backwards.
Nyquil is my friend.

Thanks a LATTE! Shut the fuck up.

Other things I need to do before getting married:
Go to South America
Take a trip with Pops to Vietnam.
Find out the truth about my mom's past.
Take Mariah on a Fantasy.
Have a threesome.
See Tribe Called Quest live.
Learn a musical instrument.

Buggin Comment of the week:
"There's a black girl in my class and of course she says, 'I wish there were more minority writers' ".

So, I wish there were less close-minded peons.

LeBron James. Must improve: Jump Shot.

Luke Walton. Must improve: Dad.

Here's upland for you. Picture a seesaw. On one side we have pretension. On the other side, we have white trash. Pretension is always in the air.

How sweet was that Randy Moss Lateral?

A day to god is 1000 years
Man walk around with a 1000 fears.
The true joy of love break a 1000 tears.
In a world full of desire, there's a 1000 snears.

PEACE!



andycat stayed in the red at 12:21 PM


Sunday, October 19, 2003

I hope $25.00 tells him that his companionship is priceless.


andycat stayed in the red at 2:57 AM


Saturday, October 18, 2003

HAIKU!

Call me down to earth.
But when I hear these voices,
I'm closer to mars.


andycat stayed in the red at 8:31 PM


Friday, October 17, 2003

Divorce. I was thinking about it today. My half-sister, Annie was married at 21. She was divorced three years later. A close cousin of mine, Linda, divorced at age 23. Nancy...just married and I'd be surprised if she wasn't divorced within the next 5 years. My dad's younger brother, also divorced. Divorce seems to be a prevalent theme in my family.

di·vorce ( P ) Pronunciation Key (d-vôrs, -vrs)
n.
1. The legal dissolution of a marriage.
2. A complete or radical severance of closely connected things.

Radical Severance? So if I was decapitated, would my head have divorced my neck? I don't ever want to think about divorce in my own personal relationship. How do you bring up such a topic? Its not like breaking up with a girlfriend of 9 months where you go..."Hey, we shouldn't be together. I ain't feelin this no more. Lets break up. Give me my underwear back." No, you may have kids. A home. A joint bank account. Your life becomes completely immersed with one anothers while you are married. Two become one. You complete me. Whatever happened to true love? Shit, whatever happened to chivalry? Is it cool to not be a gentleman any longer? Is it cool not to uphold this true human ideal of intimacy? Or are we just wild animals following the natural order of species with males playing the role of hunter courting the desirable female? Are we in our mid-twenties and just want to fuck? Do you think male dogs in their third year, (a 3 year old dog would be equivalent to a 21 year old human because of the whole 7 human year to 1 dog year thing), just want to pound any bitch that crosses his path while he is in heat? If humans lose three hours when flying from NY to LA, does a dog lose 2.5 weeks (7 dog years = 1 human year)?

Divorce. Don't believe in it. Let me get the fucking out of my system. Let me travel the world. Let me achieve enlightenment and peace of mind. Let me find a career. Let me get some money in the bank and then spend it frivolously on myself. PS2. Bacon. Movies. Get my e-dig on and find that Edan Primitive Plus album online. Then I'll get married. And the one, she'll be the only one.

We're Americans. In a country where your identity revolves around your unqiueness and indivualism, marriage should be a compounding of two human elements to form a solution of this thing I like to call family. It bewilders me that so many people get married in search of security, or pressure, or timeclocks. Achieve individual peace of mine first. Get married second. It only seems like the natural order.

Divorce looms on the horizon of my parents's marriage. I don't know whats gonna happen. This has been in the forefront of my mind.


andycat stayed in the red at 8:49 PM



Any of you guys play those silly pop-up orbitz games? Golf game is sweet. Blimp game is fun too.


andycat stayed in the red at 2:19 PM


Tuesday, October 14, 2003

I have discovered nirvana. It is called the Stater Bros. Butcher Shoppe. Needed food and by principle, I decided not to cross the picket line at Albertson's. So I went up to the street to Stater Bros. $2 for a 1lb of meatloaf. $4 Filet mignon. And get this, $1.75 for 1lb of bacon. That's a lotta pig for a low price. $3 for 2 lbs. of cheddar cheese.

So what do you get when you combine meatloaf, cheese, and bacon? Bacon cheeseburger meatloaf. Ate it with a side of rice. Nothing says Asian-American more than meatloaf and rice.

Remember Generic Stater Bros. food? It had tan packaging and its contents were labeled in Bold. If you wanted bread, the packaging was tan and it said "BREAD". That's it. No nutritional facts. No recipes. No win 500 airlines miles if you collect 10 healthy choice products. Just "BREAD". Or "BUTTER". Or."BAKING SODA". Or "BEER".

Hey, you need a condom? Here's a "CONDOM".

That's it. Simple. Less is more.


andycat stayed in the red at 9:59 PM


Sunday, October 12, 2003

You guys sure know how to cheer up your favorite little Vietnamese buddy. Throw in some girl drama, and I get essays of advice back. Comforting to know you all care. And while Nyquil got me feeling dopey, my own shout outs.

Rude Boy/ Bot Sex/ Frank Einstein/ Sister Nancy Remix -- Baruti, thanks man. I'm movin to the beat while I write this. Always good to know that others are sad. Safety in numbers. Feelin my pain. And my wrath. Feel the adrenalin. San Jo in the house? Is Trinidad in the house?

C to the Izzo -- No man. You are a solid character. Surface level unflappable. Freshly-dipped steez. Smooth like Big Daddy's lyrics. When I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

Chad Jo -- I've always thought of you as a hopeless romantic. You have the power of now as evident in your beaming presence. Hey, you play defensive end?

Dave "Jumbo" Weiner -- No I don't like loosing. Especially a loose vagina.

Max -- Even smoother than the .5 filipino. Costello once wrote a 5-page paper on Kenny Gant. You're words hit the spot. Like buffalo wings. And (Trubble) potatoes.

J to the C -- Still the flyest girl I know in real life. We're gonna have peace of mind soon. I care about you like I care about my sisters.


andycat stayed in the red at 10:25 PM



Haikus. Japanese poetry following a 5-7-5 syllable format. Just call it a gift.

NYQUIL
Creep with me, as I
Search for liquid helium.
Cha-blowwwww! Nyquil Shot!


VICODIN
Whatcha looking at
Purple duck with a mustache?
Vicodin is fun.


DANTE HALL
You're so elusive.
Ismail-esque with your returns.
Peace,son. You got burned.


FAT FEMALE STARBUCKS CUSTOMERS
Control yourself girl.
Frapps going straight to your thighs.
You're plump. Wonder why?




andycat stayed in the red at 9:05 PM


Thursday, October 09, 2003

I've been carrying a conversation via text message with Ann the past week or so since she has problems answering my phone calls. Here's a sample of the texts along with their rebuttals:

Andy:
I notice you still read my blog, which implies that you still care about me.

Ann:
It hurt that you said you dated other people, even after I gave you my all for 9 months. It doesn't matter if I still care about you, don't text me anymore.

Andy:
You say you care about me, but don't want me to text anymore? That doesn't make sense. I want to be with you and only you. I even bought tickets for a show that I wanted to take you to.

Ann:
Are you trying to bribe me? It shouldn't be hard for you to find a date.

Andy:
I wish you would stop being so stubborn. No, it won't be hard to find a date. What's hard it getting you to be my date.

Ann:
Well you should have though about that before. I'm serious, no more texting.

...So of course I continue to text.

Andy:
Hi. How are you? Call me, please? I miss your smile.

Ann:
Andy, please stop trying to contact me...I'm not going to give in. I have nothing left to say to you anymore. So no more texting or calling ok.

Andy:
I just don't feel there is any closure. And I don't understand how you can be so cold. I thought I was always there for you. I'm so confused.

Ann:
It's easier to be cold than try to mend it. There was plenty of time for you to commit. I just couldn't wait forever. And now that you're finally ready, I'm not.

In an effort to make me feel better, I want to grill the beef out of Ann. Putting down people really gives you temporary satisfaction. But alas, I sha'nt. I don't have anything malicious to say. And even if I did, it would be unwarranted and juvenile. The outcome will still be the same, I'll remain the bad guy because I couldn't commit for 9 months. She'll be even more irate with the plate of disrespect I just handed to her.

Her last text is bugging me. It's easier to be cold than try to mend it? Is there anything to mend? Did I rip a hole in your heart? We never fought let alone have any disagreements in the 9 months we were dating. And now she shuts me off. Completely. And the reason? Because I couldn't commit.

Yeah, ok. So I'm an asshole. I dated other people. (We weren't ever "officially" together and that's my justification or lack thereof.) But is that enough reason never to talk to a person again? I'm screwy in the head. Can't focus on my Grad School Aps because her once warm personality has rescinded to cold.

The truth is, I am ready. And I did have plenty of time to tell her. But I didn't. And now, here I am. Screwy in the head. I miss her. Communicate, yo. It's necessary in budding relationships.

Advice? Comments? Anybody?


andycat stayed in the red at 4:43 PM


Tuesday, October 07, 2003

Talib Kweli and a Sea Monkey .

Eerie I tell you.


andycat stayed in the red at 10:44 AM



Been feeling better. Reading Eckhart Tolle. Saving money. Drinking protein shakes. Taking Vicodin. Took some Nyquil. Took some blunts to the head. You t(sh)ook, cuz ain't no such thing as half-way crooks. Went out with a Pornstar. And her kids. Think she likes me. But then again, who doesn't? In my more Zen-like moments, girls flock to my charming aura. I was told today, "Andy, you're the cutest Asian guy I know."

...And your the KooKiest cracKer I know.

0-5 in the fantasy league. By probabilty, I should have won at least 1 game by now.


andycat stayed in the red at 12:36 AM


Saturday, October 04, 2003

I need a date for next Saturday, Oct 11. I bought tickets way back in July for Me'shell Ndegeocello w/ Soulive at the House of Blues in Anaheim with the intent of taking Ann.

Got Soul? Got Funk? This show is sure to put a smile on your face. I have an extra ticket.


andycat stayed in the red at 11:31 AM


Friday, October 03, 2003

This fascination for Fabolous is getting out of control. I think I just downloaded the Into You Video. Ok, I just downloaded the Into You Video. I know what your thinking. That's ludacris. Preposterous. Are you serious?

Nope. Just F-A/ B-O /L-O/ U-S, U just lay down slow.

(Say those last few lines to a beat. You'll appreciate it more.)

I've watched the video three times in a row now. I can't really explain it, I'm so into it now. I'll try. It's so bad, its good. Like Grapenuts and Saved by The Bell. Check this out.

I'm not talking about this any more.


andycat stayed in the red at 9:47 AM


Thursday, October 02, 2003

Corny ass lyrics, a manufactured image, and jacked beats. It don't matter, I still think Fabolous is cool. Seriously, just from his demeanor in the video, I think he'd be a cool cat. Like Heathcliff.

People I'd like to kick it with for a day and could teach me the art of 'cool'.

Shaq -- After breakfast of Cap'n Crunch and Cartoons, we'd roll down Melrose on 26's and do some CD shopping at Amoeba. Then we'd go to Fatburger and think of Kobe Jokes.

Fabolous -- On the yacht, playing poker, sippin moet. He'd bring Tamia along and I'd look into her eyes and say, "I can't really explain it. I'm so into you now."

Ice Cube -- Play some ball. Mess around and get a triple-double. WC and Mack 10 would swing by. Listen to some West Coast beats. Take a couple blunts to the head have a freestyle session.

Big Boi from OutKast -- Get some strippers over to work the pole at his house. I'd call up the pornstars I know.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. -- I'd be the guy in the Pit Crew who squeegees the windshield. I'd be his wingman at the bars in Tennesee. Cuz baby your the only 10-I-SEE.

Max Lishansky -- Lift some weights in the morning. Work up a natural high. Do some pushups in the parking lot, stroll into the club yoked-up in our extra-medium shirts, and buy Long Islands for 19-year old brown girls in black stretch pants and $4.36 Forever 21 halters.

It's gon be a clip tossed if I go back/ with stains of your lip gloss on my throwback.


andycat stayed in the red at 11:27 AM


Wednesday, October 01, 2003

I have to answer a question regarding my spirituality on the statement of purpose for Grad School.

Spirituality? Pardon me while I think of various answers for this question.

My work ethic is comparable to that of the dung beetle. He is the most diligent worker of them all.

My flow is underwater aquatic/ automatic/ sporadic/ dramatic. I'm a super-lyricist/your arch-nemesis. A rhyme regulator/ mic manipulator.

If you eat foods that are angry, you too will become angry. Look at the chicken. Farmers give them artificial daylight and make their night longers so they can hatch more eggs. This makes a chicken angry. You will become angry if you continue to eat angry chickens.

Between inning of pitching on my Double-A minor league baseball team, I make sure to jump over the foul line.

My long term plan is to be a cult-leader. Here are the blueprints.
Phase 1: Start a weblog with humorous anecdotes and commentary (subliminal messages). This will attract readers and develop a permanent audience base.
Phase 2: With my permanent readers (followers) in place, I shall ask them to join me in a quiet revolution (cult).
Phase 3: Build a house (compound) in the mountains of Upland, California where my readers (followers) will study the teachings of their new god (Andycat).
Phase 4: Impregnate 7 wives in 7 different continents in order to pass down my genetics and have followers world-wide.

Jesus Rules!

I am the King of Cool. When I walk into a room, I can see heads turning. I hear voices saying that's Erick Sermon. I mean I hear voices saying, "That's Andy Doan. He can teach us how to be cool!" When the going get tough, the tough get going? No. The tough get cool.

At night, I attack preying mantis style with hints of shaolin.

I follow the words of my main man, Ludacris. What you gon do? Act a fool! I wanna l-l-l-l-lick you from your head to your toes!

The feline lifestyle is Nirvana. You can be the King of the Jungle, sleep 19 hours a day. And then make plans to attack a water buffalo.


It's in the bag. I'm gonna be an awesome teacher.


andycat stayed in the red at 10:38 AM